Goblins Roasting on an Open Fire
by Amorfati1013
Summary: In which Jareth is suddenly all about Christmas and Sarah counts the ways this will go poorly


_In which Jareth is suddenly all about Christmas and Sarah counts the ways this will go poorly_

Sarah was snuggled up on her apartment's couch with her favourite blanket. It had been a gift from Hoggle, made of the finest rock-caller fur. So in a way it had sort of been a gift from Ludo too. Sarah loved it; to her it felt like home. She was re-reading Jane Eyre, something she did every December since she had first read it at sixteen, and was perfectly content. Or she was, until she heard the all-too familiar bell in her kitchen.

Sarah moaned and buried her head under her blanket. There it went, another perfect Saturday gone in a mess of glitter and testosterone. She'd had her mirror moved into her kitchen, reasoning that it was not a place where she was likely to ever be undressed. Sir Didymus and Hoggle had helped her rig up the bell, alerting her every time someone came through the portal unannounced. That someone was always Jareth.

"Sarah, I have a surprise for you!" she heard him call out from the kitchen.

"Sarah's not here. She's dead. So there's really no reason to ever call again."

The blanket was ripped off her and Sarah came face to face with the Goblin King. Who was, at the moment, holding a small struggling creature by the scruff of its neck.

"How unfortunate. Well I'm sure her equally beguiling and obviously very much alive identical twin will enjoy the surprise just as much."

"Jareth, what in bog's name is that?" Sarah said gesturing to the creature, which had almost human-like features, though massively distorted.

"This, my dear, is your surprise. Also an elf," Jareth answered sounding far too proud of himself.

"An elf? As in…"

"As in your Father Christmas."

_Balls._

"Jareth," Sarah said with disbelief. "I know you aren't telling me you kidnapped one of Santa's elves."

Jareth's brow furrowed in displeasure.

"Of course not. Father Christmas is just a bit of hogwash parents tell their children to behave. But this is a sub-species of elves only distantly related to their more attractive cousins. They mated with some tree-dwellers a couple centuries ago and this has been the result. But what is significant about them, is that they live in the Evergreen Winterlands and are the keeper of a very specific subset of wishes."

Sarah sighed deeply. "This still doesn't explain what one is doing in my living room."

Jareth's eyes sparkled like they did when he was feeling particularly clever, "they are the keepers of Yuletide wishes."

"And?" Sarah said, exasperated.

"And," Jareth said with a twinge of annoyance. "they are responsible for Christmas magic. He is here to make sure that you have, that we have, the best Christmas you could dream of."

Sarah ran her hands down her face in exasperation.

"Jareth, just so I know, do you have any dominion whatsoever over these Winterlands?"

"Not especially, but their Queen owes me a favour for removing an errant lamppost some years previously."

"So basically you're telling me you kidnapped a goddamn Christmas elf and brought him to my living room."

"They prefer Yuletide elves, Sarah," Jareth corrected.

Sarah buried herself under the blanket once more. She knew what he was doing. Earlier in the week she'd made the mistake of telling Sir Didymus that for all intents and purposes she'd be spending Christmas alone this year. Her parents and Toby were going on a cruise and she hadn't been able to get the time off work to join them. Most of her friends would be spending Christmas with their families and although she probably could have scrounged up an invitation to dinner, it felt intrusive. Sir Didymus had obviously told Jareth of her woes and this was his reaction. Sarah just really wanted to know why his first instinct always involved kidnapping.

"Jareth, just put the poor elf back," Sarah muttered from under the covers.

"Oh be reasonable, Sarah, this is a creature whose job it is to ensure all your holiday wishes come true."

"I promise you Jareth, having a Christmas elf as my personal holiday wish slave is really not going to improve my disposition any. Now put him back."

Sarah didn't hear anything for a few moments and reluctantly lowered the blanket. Jareth and the elf were mercifully gone. Of course she'd be back to vacuuming glitter out of the carpet again. She'd told him before that coming and going he had to use the mirror. It wasn't like him to leave without the last word.

Sarah was pretty sure this wasn't going to be the last she heard from him.

Unfortunately, she was right.

Over the next two weeks Jareth was relentless. The next time she saw him, he came bearing fairy lights to string around her apartment. The fairy lights were made of actual fairies. Hoggle didn't see the problem with this gift and encouraged her to keep it. Sarah declined. The next attempt involved a very large evergreen. Initially, she was okay with this offering, until she had a few friends over and the tree revealed that it talked. Nothing quite like a talking tree to clear out the room. Sarah didn't even want to think about all the smaller items. Like the two turtledoves, which were actually just enchanted flying turtles (getting reptiles off the ceiling fan had to be a world first), or the carolers made up entirely of the Goblin Ale-harmonic Choir.

It was when Jareth was helping her usher the drunken choir goblins out that Sarah finally snapped.

"Jareth! Why won't you listen to me? There is _nothing_ you can do to improve this Christmas for me, and every time you try you only make things worse," Sarah shouted. "Leave me alone to revel in my well deserved misery and stop with these ridiculous schemes."

Jareth looked momentarily shocked before narrowing his eyes in anger.

"If all you want to be is miserable, Sarah, then by all means go ahead. Sit here alone in your cramped apartment feeling sorry for yourself. Do whatever it is that makes _you_ happy Sarah, as you always do."

"Why do you even care, Jareth?" Sarah sneered. "Christmas is a human holiday. You don't even know what Christmas is. You just keep listening to old songs and flipping through picture books hoping to gain some understanding of a holiday that does not belong to you and never will. Go home Jareth."

Jareth simply stared at her for a moment, slowly bowed, and then stepped backwards through the mirror and vanished.

Sarah swallowed thickly. She hadn't meant to be so harsh, but it got results. He had no right to disrupt her life the way he'd been doing. She grabbed her book and settled down onto the couch, confident that at least now she could get some peace and quiet.

Peace didn't really happen. But it certainly was quiet. For the next few days Sarah cleaned her house, and prepared the snacks for her yearly Christmas Eve board game bonanza with Hoggle, Sir Didymus, Ludo and the Wiseman, the years he consented to come. She missed her family. She had made sure they all received her gifts before they left, but she wouldn't be there to watch them open them this year. She would miss one of Toby's last Christmases where he still believed in Santa Claus. She was bitter about that. Bitter at her work for not giving her the time off, bitter at her parents for deciding to take a cruise over Christmas and bitter at the universe for leaving her like this. This evening was to be her one bright spot of the holiday.

The Wiseman did deign to show himself, and, as he did most years, used nothing but completely made-up words in Scrabble that he insisted were scored because they were in the dictionary - just one from some years in the future. Ludo still won scrabble, it was his game after all, but Sarah managed to scrape a win in Trivial Pursuit. Hoggle took Monopoly but Sir Didymus dominated in Clue. Everyone packed up just before eleven, and Sarah declared it a very successful evening. Sir Didymus stayed behind to help her clean up at his insistence.

"You know," Sarah said as she cleared the coffee table, "I'm surprised his royal poncy-ness even kept the portal open for you to come tonight. I'd thought he'd still be looking for any opportunity to get back at me."

Sir Didymus waddled over to the sink with a dish.

"Well my lady, it seems his majesty hasn't been much for speaking at all as of late."

"Hmm? So he's sulking in the throne room again?" Sarah reached over and took the dish from Didymus.

"He is mostly just quiet," Didymus said softly.

Sarah's grip tightened on the plate.

"It's his fault," Sarah said, turning to Sir Didymus. "You know it was his fault. He insisted on being as infuriating as possible, trying to force his idea of Christmas down my throat."

"My lady, we have Yuletide and mid-winter in the Underground, but we don't have your Christmas."

"Exactly!" Sarah protested.

"So then I must ask, where did he learn all these festive traditions from?"

"I bet he watched one too many made-for-TV movies," Sarah laughed dropping the plate in the sink.

"Sarah," Sir Didymus held out another plate to her. He never used her name unless it was serious. When he did, Sarah was reminded of just how much older he was than her. "Why do you imagine he'd bother learning them at all?"

"I don't know, probably to annoy me," she said.

"Or perhaps to cheer you up? My lady, we've all been searching for any way to raise your spirits."

Sarah sighed and sat down at her kitchen table.

"Oh Sir Didymus, I know you guys have. You've all been really sweet. But there's nothing anyone can do. I miss my family and so I'm spending Christmas alone. That's just the way it is, and I'm allowed to be sad about it."

Sir Didymus reached out and gently put a paw on her knee.

"Your family will still be there when the holiday passes. You are not alone, Sarah, for you have us. We are your friends and shall be there whenever and wherever you call. "

Sarah smiled and patted his paw with her hand.

"Thank you, Sir Didymus. You're right. I know I'm not really alone, but it's just hard sometimes."

"No my lady, _you_ are not alone. But I must ask you to consider why his majesty would work so hard to cure you of your loneliness, whether it was real or imagined. Although it is not my place, I suspect it is because it is an experience he is all to familiar with himself."

_Balls. _

"Sir Didymus," Sarah said wearily. "You couldn't just let me have this one, could you?"

Sir Didymus took her hand and laid a kiss on it.

"Merry Christmas, my lady."

He disappeared through her mirror.

"Goddammit, Jareth," Sarah muttered to herself. She looked at her watch. Almost midnight. There was no getting around it. Sometimes, for the sake of Christmas, you have to swallow your pride. Grabbing a phone number off her refrigerator, she made a call.

Sarah walked backwards through her mirror and into the main hall of the castle. She hadn't used the mirror to go back Underground very often, it didn't always work for her, but she had a hunch that on Christmas, the portal would be open. She was right.

She found the king exactly where she had expected to find him. Alone, draped over his throne, sulking. He looked up when she entered, clearly surprised to see her.

"I thought you wanted to spend your Christmas alone," he said darkly.

Sarah marched towards the throne and dropped the large brown bag she was carrying in front of him.

"Oh, shut up, Jareth, you're a complete idiot. You know that, right?"

"Ah, good, I'm so glad you've arrived just in time for Christmas to sling more insults at me."

"Next time," Sarah poked at him, "you say, '_Sarah, I know what it's like to be alone on Christmas so perhaps we could share the holiday together_' instead of stringing up creatures in my living room or parading a horde of singing, drunk goblins through my kitchen – understood?"

Jareth raised one eyebrow, carefully.

"I seem to recall that I don't have any right to celebrate Christmas, as it is a _human_ holiday."

Sarah rolled her eyes and reached into the brown bag, pulling out a styrofoam container.

"Here, it's a peace offering."

Jareth hesitantly took the container from her hands.

"What is it?"

"Chicken fried rice. The Chinese place is the only thing open on Christmas. I mean, unless you wanted Falafel House."

Jareth opened the container and wrinkled his nose at the smell.

Sarah smiled and handed him a fork.

"It's delicious, I promise. Besides, it's tradition for people who are alone on Christmas to eat Chinese. I saw it in a movie so you know, must be true."

That got the first smile out of him she'd seen all night.

"I am sorry for disturbing your Christmas, Sarah. I promise I did not intend to ruin something which is obviously very important to you."

Sarah put down the spring rolls she was about to dig into.

"Jareth, although I cannot emphasize enough just how in the wrong you were with your actual plans, I admit, I screwed up too. Christmas is for caring about people. Even those who are so vastly beneath us," Sarah smiled wickedly at him.

Jareth grinned back.

"But Sarah, after all, I am not really people am I?"

"Hold up your hand Jareth."

Jareth set his container aside and did as instructed. Sarah shook her head.

"No, you're going to have to take off the glove."

Slowly, Jareth peeled the glove off. It was the first time Sarah had seen him without them. She reached up her hand, and placed her palm against his.

"There," Sarah said softly. "You seem pretty people to me. So you know, Christmas is yours too, if you still want it."

Jareth smiled.

"So you are saying then, that should I wish to, I can take advantage of all these Christmas traditions?"

"Yes, they're your traditions too now."

"I was so hoping you'd say that."

Jareth looked upwards, and, to Sarah's dismay, she saw a perfectly convenient piece of mistletoe.

"That stuff is poisonous, you know," she said, with a warning.

"I'll take my chances, it is Christmas you know. There's magic in the air."

Sarah laughed.

"Oh, I'll just bet there is."

She leaned over and gently kissed him. He took his time and languidly kissed her back. It wasn't as innocent as most mistletoe kisses were supposed to be, and it certainly went on longer than they normally do, but Sarah decided that, just for now, that could be ignored.

It just so happened that the Chinese food, sadly, was rather cold by the time they got around to eating it.


End file.
